You'd like me better if I had cancer

I saw funny people. How fucking long was that movie? I don't care. I liked it. Although I did cry for most of the film....

Am I just fucking cursed or something? It's like, everyone I get along with moves. Megan, Cherish, Casey, Prudence, Delani, Carson, Matt. People I never fucking fight with. But the people I can barely stand stick around. And I can only barley stand them because they're all I have left so I let them treat me however they want. Then the other people who haven't completely left me live so far away from me that I can't even talk to them when I want to. Peter and Kadie. They're the only people I really feel like being around most of the time.

I hate everyone around me. It's insane.

It's not even that i hate most of them, they make me hate them. It's like they strive to give me reasons. Then when they realize I don't fight back when they treat me like shit they find a different reason to be mad at me, and it makes no fucking sense.

I want to disappear, and I'm sure if I did no one would notice or care.

I wish someone did care.But it's never going to happen.

I'm always the person people come to. I'm the person who can shut her fucking mouth and focus on everyone else's problems. I can put all of my shit away and say the right things and be there for whoever whenever.

But where the fuck is my person?

I wish for once I had someone like that. There are people I go to, but I feel like a burden, or they quick fix it, or they drag there shit in too.

For once I want someone to focus on me and not blow it off. I really want someone to just give a shit for longer then ten minutes. I don't want a bullshit lecture, or a speech on how they would fix it. I want someone to listen. To fucking comprehend. To leave there shit alone and pay attention to me. I need someone to actually try to find an answer that makes sense, and not just stop there.

But I guess that's asking way to fucking much.

I will forever be your burden

To much has happened within the last few days.

1. I went to California. I got the worst sunburn of my life. I managed to have fun though. I kick ass at connect four, Sherry isn't as bad as she seemed, Nick thinks i'm a player. I learned that I really do love Kadie if i'm able to hang out with her for four days and not have a panic attack from being away from home. I miss the ocean...

2. I realized I really hate being away from home. It drives me insane. Then I have panic attacks and it's just weird. So now i'm concerned. I'm almost 18. And I want to move out. But can I?

3. Cherish and Casey finally talked while I was there. So I was drunk and I can barely remember any of the conversation but I do remember it happened.

4. I'm a genius. I knew Keith would get back together with Cat. But maybe this time he'll not be a douche. Wow. That was harsh. But really? I don't deserve to be ignored... most of the time. And it's started out good. He actually came to a party, despite the fact that he knew Cat would be upset. I think she'll get over it. Lucky bitch...

5. I convinced Kadie that zombies are real. It's fucking great.

6. I keep having panic attacks. Like right now. So I decided to blog because it reminds me of Cherish. And she makes me calm down. So instead of calling her and bothering her. I can sit here and type.

7. Ever bought a new book and it sits on your bed while your out doing other things and all you can think about is reading the book? That's been happening since I got back from borders. God, if I could live there I would. Books=<3.

8. People who are against pot piss me off. That's right, I mean you Freddy. It's sad that a forty something year old man has to threaten teenagers over a ciggarette wrapper in such a violent way. If I really wanted to make you mad I would have pulled out my pipe =). (Lol, like he's ever going to read this...)

9. I want to see funny people. But no one will take me. I should call Devin....

10. I'm pretty upset over stupid things right now. I should just focuse on important stuff, but then I get anxious. Gay. If I clean i'll feel better....

11. I decided to clean.

Straight up, No chasers

So my dad had a party today. More like BBQ and get drunk with friends. No little kids allowed.

But today they finally included me. I decided to prove myself and be chill and not act like a typical teenager. I got smashed.

It was fun. They invented a game called quarter curb where you throw quarters and the curb and the closest to it wins and they made me play.

"Yeah Sarah play with us! Yeah we won't be to hard on you! We won't take all of your money!" I won twelve dollars when I started with three. Then they all questioned why I pwn at party games.... Then they whipped out the tequila and wondered why it was soooo watered down... ;) I had fun. Sometimes old people surprise you ( I keep saying old but they're all in like they're thirties and early forties). Especially when we started talking music. And piercings. And hair color. There old but when they're drunk they're down.

Cali Friday. Cassidy can't go because she failed summer school. Lame right?

Orange jellybeans and crystal meth

It's become increasingly easier to get drugs. Which is sad. Not that I partake in all drugs. But when I have a conversation with a dealer I like to ask questions. And believe me, heroin is making a comeback.

Which is sad. Because one of my best friends doesn't care what he gets himself into. And he really likes heroin. It sounds fun, but needles in my veins is not my forte. I'll stick to trees thank you very much.

I don't know how going to California is going to turn out. Five days with Kadie, Cassidy, and Kadie's friend Sherry. Not to mention Kadie's family. Sherry is straightedge. I mean super straight edge. like the girl has never tasted alcohol. But she seems nice enough. only problem is that if we do anything she will tell. And Cassidy, Kadie and I were planning on partying the whole time. Then there is the whole Kadie's uncle who were staying with is a cop who promised her mom he'd watch us like a hawk. And I'm pretty sure when were fucked up it's obvious. At least were getting out of Vegas and I can chill with just them. Kadie is awesome and Cassidy makes me want to kick her sometimes but I love her to death.

My dad keeps texting me to make sure i'm alright. It's like he knows something horrible is about to happen. And I don't know it yet. I hope it rains again. Its the only time Vegas smells clean. When I went to Utah with Casey last November we came back to Vegas and I had to plug my nose. It just smelled gross. Utah makes me smile. So does Oregon. And Washington. And New York. Okay anywhere cold and woodsy makes me happy.

I hate Texas though, for obvious reasons. It steals best friends.

Purple hair, lip rings, and mismatched socks

I think I'm developing insomnia. Scratch that, I have insomnia. And no pants on. But what else is new?

Is it normal for a thirteen year old to ditch his sister for his girl friend? It's getting irritating. She says she loves him and I can't help but laugh. He has a Jew fro. The only people who can love that have to be related.

Showers have become cooler. My hair drips purple dye everywhere and I have to attempt not to accidentally pull out any of my piercings with the loofah.

Ha, loofah.

The sun is starting to come up now. And I'm supposed to be up early to partake in illegal activities and swim suit shopping for California. I should text Cherish. Then go to sleep. TTFN.

Vampire robot army made in my kitchen

Can you patent an idea before really making plans to build said idea? I'm pretty sure if I had the motivation to get to work on building robots that were exact replicas of Edward Cullen i'd be a billionaire. Teenagers and weird old ladies everywhere would flock to walmarts all over the world to buy my creation.


Hmm, i'm starting to think this isn't that stupid of an idea. If i made a robot that worked and looked like a real man, then gave him all of the traits of Edward i'd be some celebrated inventor.

But then all men would be useless. If you have a shiny "vampire" robot who whispers hot shit to you all day and tells you your the center of his world and could be used to pleasure yourself I highly doubt chicks would want to hook up with random guys at bars. And I love guys so why would I do that?

...I kind of want an Edward Cullen now....

I think the fact that it's almost four in the morning is starting to get to me. I need to sleep. And maybe start working on design plans. And a cigarette would be nice.

I will never go against zooey deschanel

Punk music makes me the happiest but anything between that and Indie music makes me smile. With that being said unless a band is brought to my attention I might never know it exists which is pretty sad because I love falling in love with bands i've never heard of. 17 years of my life have flown by and i'm sure i've heard someone tell me to listen to The Smiths at least one million times but I never got around to it. Until I heard Zooey Deschanel say she likes them while watching a preview for (500 days of summer). Sure, it's just a character she plays but just hearing her say she likes them made me want to finally look them up. And I did.



Needless to say the band is fucking amazing.