You'd like me better if I had cancer

I saw funny people. How fucking long was that movie? I don't care. I liked it. Although I did cry for most of the film....

Am I just fucking cursed or something? It's like, everyone I get along with moves. Megan, Cherish, Casey, Prudence, Delani, Carson, Matt. People I never fucking fight with. But the people I can barely stand stick around. And I can only barley stand them because they're all I have left so I let them treat me however they want. Then the other people who haven't completely left me live so far away from me that I can't even talk to them when I want to. Peter and Kadie. They're the only people I really feel like being around most of the time.

I hate everyone around me. It's insane.

It's not even that i hate most of them, they make me hate them. It's like they strive to give me reasons. Then when they realize I don't fight back when they treat me like shit they find a different reason to be mad at me, and it makes no fucking sense.

I want to disappear, and I'm sure if I did no one would notice or care.

I wish someone did care.But it's never going to happen.

I'm always the person people come to. I'm the person who can shut her fucking mouth and focus on everyone else's problems. I can put all of my shit away and say the right things and be there for whoever whenever.

But where the fuck is my person?

I wish for once I had someone like that. There are people I go to, but I feel like a burden, or they quick fix it, or they drag there shit in too.

For once I want someone to focus on me and not blow it off. I really want someone to just give a shit for longer then ten minutes. I don't want a bullshit lecture, or a speech on how they would fix it. I want someone to listen. To fucking comprehend. To leave there shit alone and pay attention to me. I need someone to actually try to find an answer that makes sense, and not just stop there.

But I guess that's asking way to fucking much.

I will forever be your burden

To much has happened within the last few days.

1. I went to California. I got the worst sunburn of my life. I managed to have fun though. I kick ass at connect four, Sherry isn't as bad as she seemed, Nick thinks i'm a player. I learned that I really do love Kadie if i'm able to hang out with her for four days and not have a panic attack from being away from home. I miss the ocean...

2. I realized I really hate being away from home. It drives me insane. Then I have panic attacks and it's just weird. So now i'm concerned. I'm almost 18. And I want to move out. But can I?

3. Cherish and Casey finally talked while I was there. So I was drunk and I can barely remember any of the conversation but I do remember it happened.

4. I'm a genius. I knew Keith would get back together with Cat. But maybe this time he'll not be a douche. Wow. That was harsh. But really? I don't deserve to be ignored... most of the time. And it's started out good. He actually came to a party, despite the fact that he knew Cat would be upset. I think she'll get over it. Lucky bitch...

5. I convinced Kadie that zombies are real. It's fucking great.

6. I keep having panic attacks. Like right now. So I decided to blog because it reminds me of Cherish. And she makes me calm down. So instead of calling her and bothering her. I can sit here and type.

7. Ever bought a new book and it sits on your bed while your out doing other things and all you can think about is reading the book? That's been happening since I got back from borders. God, if I could live there I would. Books=<3.

8. People who are against pot piss me off. That's right, I mean you Freddy. It's sad that a forty something year old man has to threaten teenagers over a ciggarette wrapper in such a violent way. If I really wanted to make you mad I would have pulled out my pipe =). (Lol, like he's ever going to read this...)

9. I want to see funny people. But no one will take me. I should call Devin....

10. I'm pretty upset over stupid things right now. I should just focuse on important stuff, but then I get anxious. Gay. If I clean i'll feel better....

11. I decided to clean.